This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled overby the cops.

The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, “Earl.”

“You got a last name, Earl?”

“Nope. It’s a long story, Officer.”

“I got time.”

Earl sighs and says, “Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was knownas Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I’m now just Earl.”

Mothers Milk

The medical student was asked four reasons why mother’s milk was better for babies than cow’s milk.

This is the answer he submitted:

1. It’s fresher.

2. It’s cleaner.

3. The cats can’t get to it.

4. It’s easier to take on a picnic.

He also added: “It comes in such cute containers.”


Little Johnny was in class again. Teacher asked everyone, “Can anyone tell me a sentence with the word ‘definitely’ in it?”

Meg puts up her hand, “The sky is definitely blue.”

“Thats not bad, Meg,” says the teacher, “but the sky can be grey or red.”

Young Sally tried, “The grass is definitely green.”

“Good try, Sally, but grass can be yellow or brown too!”

Suddenly, Little Johnny’s hand shoots up, “Miss Brown does a fart have lumps?”

The teacher was horrified, “No of course not Johnny! What are you talking about?”

So Johnny says,”Well then Miss brown, I’ve definitely crapped my pants!”

Fair Punishment

The boy asked his teacher, “Will you punish me for something I didn’t do?”

The teacher replied, “Of course not!”

“Good, ’cause I didn’t do my homework!”

The Devils Dictionary

A selection of quotes from “The Devil’s Dictionary” by Ambrose Bierce:

1. BACKBITE, v.t.
To speak of a man as you find him when he can’t find you.

2. BEAUTY, n.
The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

4. BORE, n.
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

5. BRIDE, n.
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.

7. FEMALE, n.
One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.

8. GHOST, n.
The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.

9. GRAVE, n.
A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.

What Does Your Daddy Do?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”

Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”

Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

An Old Ladys Letter

Dear Reyer School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen’s luncheon. I am 84-years-old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone.

It’s nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces.

It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told her to go screw herself.

Edna Johnston

PreMed Physics

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.

A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”

“To save lives,” the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.

“So how does physics save lives?” he persisted.

“It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school,” replied the professor.

Marriage, Marriage…and more Marriage

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
-Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”
-Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
-Henny Youngman

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
-Sam Kinison

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
-James Holt McGavran

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.
-Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
-Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Who Discovered North America?

The teacher said, “Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.”

Little Johnny found it, “Here it is!”

“Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?”

The class replied, “Little Johnny!”