"It’s starting to get nasty out there on the campaign trail. A new book out by veteran Democratic strategist Robert Shrum claims when asked about gay rights, John Edwards said he was "not comfortable around those people." Do you believe that? How does a guy who spends 400 bucks to get his hair styled not like gay people?"
- Jay Leno
"Paris Hilton has been spotted carrying a Bible around. A lot of people think she’s only trying to improve her image. Paris denied this and said, "I’m very religious. In fact, I scream out ‘Oh God’ more than anyone."
-Conan O'Brien
"How about this? A 60-year-old woman gave birth with twins. She was in labor for 16 years. The kids came out and asked for the car keys. "
-David Letterman
"Tomorrow is the 30th anniversary of the premier of "Star Wars.” They’re having a huge convention with 10,000 fans. Last night at the convention center they had a 17-hour marathon screening of all the "Star Wars” films. It’s amazing how much fun you can have when you’re not tied down to a girlfriend, or your own apartment, or self esteem . . ."
-Craig Ferguson
"Jimmy Carter actually said that George W. Bush is the worst in history. Then Bush said that’s not true, he said that he was the worst in math and English. He actually got a C- in history."
-Jay Leno
"Congratulations to Jordin Sparks. She’s the new American Idol. The moment was spoiled when Paula Abdul tripped over her."
-David Letterman
"Some of Michael Jackson’s personal processions will be auctioned off in Las Vegas the end of this month. The one thing that Michael won’t be parting with though, is his Pinocchio doll. Do you know about this? Michael will not sell his Pinocchio doll. You know, on the off chance, that one day it might became a real live boy."
-Jay Leno
"Nelson Mandela’s birthday is coming up. A concert is being planned to celebrate Nelson Mandela’s birthday. Friends say that Mandela wants the Spice Girls to perform. Apparently 27 years in prison really screws with your taste in music."
-Conan O'Brien
"New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for my driver. "
-David Letterman
"How about this? At a charity auction yesterday someone paid $350,000 to be kissed by George Clooney. I had no idea Ryan Seacrest had that kind of money. "
-Jay Leno