Burnt Grandpa

Little Johnny was late for school.

When he finally got there, his teacher asked, “Why are you late little Johnny?”

Johnny replied, “My grandpa got burnt, Miss.”

The teacher replied, “I hope it wasn’t too bad.”

Then little Johnny said, “Don’t worry, the crematorium doesn’ t muck around!”

At Our Funerals

Three buddies die in a car crash, and go to heaven, to an orientation.

They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, ‘LOOK, HE’S MOVING!'”

First Romance

An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

“How did that happen?” gasped her mother.

“It wasn’t easy,” admitted her daughter, “but three girls helped me catch him.”

Haunting Halloween Harmonies

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about” says the caretaker. “He’s just decomposing!”

Sub School

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

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TEACHER: Rodney, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”

MILLIE: I is…

TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, “I am.”

MILLIE: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it’s the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

Sub School

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he’d dreamed of working since a young boy.

He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, “Listen, Sir, it’s real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.If the result doesn’t come out even, don’t open the hatch.”

Everything We Need

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing.

In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything that they wanted.

At this point, a young arm energetically shot up at the back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started shouting, “Oh miss, oh miss!” with his arm pumping.

“Yes, Johnny, what is it?”she asked.

Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, “At our house, we have everything.”

“Don’t be silly,” the teacher replied, “Not even the richest man has everything.”

“We do,” he answered, “My daddy said so the other day.”

“Now, why would your father say such a thing?” she asked.

“Well, my fifteen-year-old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend and told poppa she was pregnant. That’s when my dad said ‘God, that’s all we needed.'”

Basement Lab

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd.

Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said, “Dad look what I made.” So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly, grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed. The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial.

The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him.

They went to the fron tyard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said, “I only asked for a convertable.”

The dad replied “the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother.”

Generation Gap

There have been a couple of generations in the last sixty years that have missed the boat but this group isn’t one of them. A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.

Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 1st graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don’t change horses………..until they stop running.

2. Strike while the……………………….bug is close.

3. It’s always darkest before…………..Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ………………..termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but……………………how?

6. Don’t bite the hand that……………………..looks dirty.

7. No news is…………………………………..impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a………………………………Mr.

9. You can’t teach an old dog new………………………math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll ……stink in the morning.

11. Love all,trust………………………….. me.

12. The pen is mightier than the…………………. ……pigs.

13. An idle mind is……………………the best way to relax.

14. Where there’s smoke there’s…………………..pollution.

15. Happy the bride who…………………gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ……………………………..not much.

17. Two’s company, three’s ………………..the Musketeers

18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what ……you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and….. You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as…………………..Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not…..spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don’t succeed…………….get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you …………….see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind…………….get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than………………………………..pregnant

Beautiful

The teacher says, “Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today’s word is ‘beautiful.’ Little Sally, would you please come up here and use ‘beautiful’ in a sentence?”

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.”

Teacher says, “Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.”

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.”

Teacher says, “Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it’s your turn.”

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, ‘Beautiful, just freaking beautiful.'”